25 December, 2009
Christmas Message 2009: Jesus was Not a Prim Baby
As we celebrate this most joyous holiday for Christians, I have message for you all that will dispel the rumors of conspiracy theorists. I have indisputable evidence that Jesus was not a prim baby. How do we know that our lord and saviour was not just a pixellated flesh nugget? Firstly, Mary did not annoy the living crap out of everyone from Egypt to Bethlehem with a tummy talker. She may not have made it to the manger that night had she. Being born in a manger was also proof positive that Jesus was not a prim baby. Had he been a prim baby he would have been born in a vampire castle, next to a blood cask or an over-priced badly designed house suffering from prim drift, an affliction that doesn't affect the babies which we'd love to have drift away. Let's look at paternity. God did not have bad hair, appear in the same clothes daily and necessitate a "Dress Him Up" Hunt to shape up his look. God was also not some dude with 234 alts who wanted Mary to commit to him by having his prim baby. Regarding gifts, the three wise men gave Mary gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. If Jesus were a prim baby, one would expect that Mary would have gotten a pair of Moody Stiletto thigh highs, a new outfit from League or hair from lamb. from each of the wise men (a furry, a she-male and a cyborg, if they were on the Grid). Finally, Jesus lived a short but eventful life as our saviour, performing miracles and being a teacher of his disciples and representative of his father on Earth. Were Jesus a prim baby. Mary would have put him back in inventory, before she and Joseph ever had to flee for Egypt, and resumed her career as a stripper and escort. Glad I could be of service to dispel the myths. Merry Christmas to one and all.